I hate being single again. Men lie out their ying yang. They can't even realize that you know when they are talking to two or three women. They confuse what they say and have to try and cover it up and botch that as well. Not like I think I am going to meet every man I talk to and really don't want to. It just blows my mind. I am older and it was hard enough when I was young but now? And the lies are supre dupper lol. I feel ...
My blog address: http://BikerKiss.com/blog/KyBrnEyesCopy
What makes a widow do stupid things like go back to school? I decided to head back to school for something to pass my time not realizing if you didn't like school when you were a kid what makes you think it's changed?
I am not sure why I am writing this if it's to make sure I am going to make it through this or if it's to help someone else make it through this. Being my first of everything in life without my husband has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I lost a son 20 years ago and God knows I thought it was the end of me then. He was 15 years old and got sick at 4 months that sent his life to hell. He lost everything about him except his life. His eye sight, his hearing, his ability to move and do things forhimself. He was left like a 0 to 3 month old. Not the disease but the crazy mess the doctors did when they missed the real issue. Now here I am again 20 years later only this time I am all alone. All my kids are grown, and my husband decided to take his life April of this year. So not only is it my first Christmas without him it's my first Christmas alone since I left home at the age of 16. People tell me to be strong and try again and move forward. So I started school and I have worked my hardest at that. It was going good and then here comes fate. I met a man on here and fell in love with him. Thought he loved me too. Miles didn't matter I could feel his love and thought he felt mine except he had a temper. He would get upset and run away and quit talking when we had a disagreement. I apologized twice now for things I'm not even sure were my fault or that I was in the wrong. I believed him to be talking to other women. Talking no problem if you admit it I got it. But when you feed me love and songs, and asked me to Marry you and then you send me something tha makes no sense? I question it and he leaves me. He is still talking to me and I can now feel the distance. The coldness that was not there before. I have but one Christmas Wish and that would be to marry this one man. He helped me move forward and get to know there is life left in me. If I lose him there won't be. I will totally give up. So I am asking God for this one Chritmas Wish to bless me with this mans love and if it's not meant to be I find out immediately and just get through this Christmas Season. One more hurdle to jump and my old tired body is getting up there to be jumping hurdles. God hears me and his answers are final and he makes no mistakes. So if it's not meant to be then God sees and knows more than I do. He could see that big huge truck coming down the road that I can't see and when I run into the street to get that beautiful ball it will hit me. So he holds my hand and I cry and he just smiles and says to me little one Today you Cry Tears of Pain tomorrow you will cry Tears of Joy. That is what I am praying for.
It is pure hell to be over the hell and widowed when you think your going to be gone 20 years before your spouse. He was 16 years younger than me so I had no doubts I would ride that Harley with him until I died. Well when he decided to leave this world nobody would have thought he would have taken hisown life. But, he did. Now that he is gone I am floundering to find a new way of life. Being over the hill is hard enough but without him it's a heck of a lot harder. I am trying to find someone to be my biker buddy and ride with them. The only problem I have is men don't want just someone to ride with on the Harley they want more. I don't have a problem with more if it's a match but most of the time it's not a match. It's just ride and ride. Not happening. Not looking for that. Too old to want the fun life. I never had it got married and had kids and went through loosing a son and 2 divorces and now this. I want a love of my life relationship and someone to spend my time riding with and sharing and having fun together. It's the impossible situation.
It's hard to find chemistry as you get older. I think half of my chemistry is gone or is it the other half I'm looking for hs lost theirs? Either way one of us has a problem lol.
Now I am going to try ball room dancing and meeting my partner this week. Nothing more than dancing he says. How can you be a lady who loves to ride Harley's and Ball room dance. Kind of feels strange to me but we'll see. Updates later on this whole weird experience I'm having.
Anyone out there who is clean, fun loving, enjoys riding, and likes a lady who drinks Bud Lite as a partner. Email me.