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The Best Headlines of 2004
72 Angesehen
10/12/07
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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
[those good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken!]
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
[That was really giving of himself!]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery: Hundreds Dead
[nuff said!]
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Wordplay
127 Angesehen
10/12/07
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This list of words (that are not words) is supposed to have come from a Washington Post Invitational. I searched but could not find it on their website. The idea was to take and real word and alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole
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Solo I Ride
492 Angesehen
10/10/07
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I found this somewhere and kinna like it.
Cant trust no woman
Not this one not that
Every time that I do
I wind up with a flat
Sugar in my gas tank
Is what love is to me
A victim of circumstance
A place not to be
So my guard is up
My blinders are on
Now hear me out Brother
And don't get me wrong
If your woman is righteous
Your not lucky your blessed
But for me Ill ride solo
Till they lay me to rest
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I wanna be a kid again
528 Angesehen
09/07/07
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I found this on another site and thought ya all might like it.
I want to go back to a time when decisions were made by chanting "eeny, meeny, miney, mo". When mistakes were easily corrected by proclaiming "do over!"
When the worst financial problem you could have was not being chosen "banker" in Monopoly. When "race issue" meant arguing about who could run fastest.
When the worst thing you could catch from the opposite gender was cooties. When having a weapon in school meant being caught with a squirt gun. When "war" was a card game. When the ultimate weapon was a water balloon.
When getting a foot of snow was a dream come true. When the most serious thing that angered you was the fact that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.
When Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for toys. When catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening. When spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was a cause for hysterical giggles.
When a deck of playing cards and a few clothespins transformed any bike into a motorcycle. When oddities like a freshly dug cellar hole or a newly felled tree were considered toys. When the term "batteries not included" hadn't yet been coined.
When a dollar would buy you a month's worth of penny candy. When the highlight of your summer day was hearing the dulcet tones of the ice cream truck making its rounds. When a picnic was the social event of the season.
I wanna be a kid again!
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Why did the chicken
174 Angesehen
09/06/07
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
COLIN POWELL: Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
HANS BLIX: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.
MOHAMMED ALDOURI: (Iraq ambassador) The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RALPH NADER: The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
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MBKH (Moble BK Hospital)
699 Angesehen
08/26/07
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Well its time to put some of the medical staff to work here. we all know that shit happens and we sometimes need medical attention.
So i have created the MBKH. A place to come to for the special attention you need when something ales you.
We will staff many fields of Dr's here, so we will treat anything from road rash to hurt feelings. whiners to tough guys that just need there boo boo kissed...
So grab a seat in the waiting room and tell us what your problem is and we will try to get you the care you need.
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bike questions
228 Angesehen
07/26/07
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OK this is only for the bloggers that need to talk about bikes. heres your chance to answer bike related questions.
what is the REAL name of the valve inside the wheels valve stem ?
what is the weight limit of the average sky hook?
Can left handed screw drivers be used to tighten?
After how many miles should you change your blinker fluid?
What is a pilot wrench used for?
lastly, what is the picture of ?
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THE RULES
127 Angesehen
01/07/07
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THE RULES
#1.The Female always makes THE RULES.
#2.THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
#3.No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.
#4.If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
#5.The Female is never wrong.
#6.If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
#7.If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
#8.The Female can change her mind at any time.
#9.The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.
#10.Failure to obtain written consent by the Male, will result in being placed into solitary confinement, with no physical contact from the Female
#11.The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time with the slightest provocation.
#12.The Male must remain calm at all times,or be subject to the primal screaming instincts of the Female, as if protecting her young.
#13.The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know what she wants him to do or say.
#14.The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
#15.At all times, what is important, is what the Female meant, not what she said.
#16.If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he is lazy, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
#17.If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
#18. Failure by the Male to obey rule #17, could result in bodily harm, for which the Female is not, nor ever will be, held accountable.
#19.Any attempt by the Male, to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm, for which the Female is not, nor ever will be, held accountable.
#20.If the Male, at any time, even for a minute, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5
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DOUGHBOY: dead at 71
90 Angesehen
01/05/07
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DOUGHBOY, Pillsbury; 71, of Corn Field County, USA; died last week of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly;
husband of Play Dough; father of three children (John Dough, Jane Dough, and one in the oven); son of his elderly father (Pop Tart);
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin;
dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies,and Captain Crunch.
The gravesite was piled high with flours; Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded; Rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers;
he was not considered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes; despite being a little flaky at times, he was considered a roll model for millions;
the funeral was held yesterday at 3:50 for about 20 minutes
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To all the girls
365 Angesehen
09/11/06
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Hey Dman, a great blog. I have had that conversation with myself so many times that I can't count the number. Sometimes it's easier to talk yourself out of even trying to meet someone. Kind of a shame, though. You never know what you or they might miss. Kind of makes you wonder, do the ladies have the same conversation with themselves?
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