A police officer stops a blonde for speeding, and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. Huffily, she replied, "I wish you guys would make up your mind. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart a*s guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says.........
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on
the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife,
"Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they
have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't
be long I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took
out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...
"LISTEN UP, D*CKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F*CKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN
FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERF*CKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING
ANYWHERE! GOT IT, AS*HOLE?"
This I had to post:
Subject: CEO on a Rampage
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This
new boss was
determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities,
the CEO noticed
a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let
them know that
he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How
do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make
$300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks'
GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "He's the pizza delivery guy from Domino's"
Thanks ok here is another one:
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly saut?ed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:
> **Pick Up**
> > "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the telephone?"
> > "No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
> > After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you
> haven't got an Uncle Frank."
>> "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
> Mommy, right now"
> Brief Pause...
> "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
> the telephone down on the table, run upstairs and knock
> on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's
> car just pulled into the driveway."
> > "Okay Daddy, just a minute."
> A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to
> the telephone.
> "I did it Daddy."
> "And what happened honey?" he asked.
> "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
> no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she
> tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
> and now she isn't moving at all!"
> "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
> "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He
> was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
> and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't
> know that you took out the water last week to clean
> it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's
> > ***Long Pause***
> > ***Longer Pause***
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So, he sat down and wrote,
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
A cowgirl walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
She sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When she finishes them,
she comes back to the bar
and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters.
One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin.
When we all left our home we promised that
we'd drink this way to remember the days
when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters
and one for myself."
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar,
and always drinks the same way.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs.
A ll the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When she comes back to the bar for the second round,
the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment,
then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine,"
she explains, "It's just that my husband and I
joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
Jesus was walking around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a
>After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the
>Tailor. So, He went in
>and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe
>A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was
>a perfect fit!
>He asked how much He owed. Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no,for
>the Son of God,
>there's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you
>give a sermon,
>perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by
>Finkelstein, the Tailor?"
>Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His
>Finkelstein robe whenever
>He spoke to the masses. A few months later, while Jesus was again walking
>He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people
>waiting to get in.
>He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as
>Finkelstein spotted Him he said:
>"Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a
>"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is!"
>"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus.
>After all, I am the craftsman."
>The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and
>spirited, but ultimately
>fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A
>few days later, the new
>sign went up over Finkelstein's shop.
>Can you guess what it read??
>Are you sure you want to know?
>Here it comes...
>Don't say you weren't warned......
>Lord & Taylor
>DON'T WHINE & MOAN - YOU KNOW YOU'LL PASS IT ON!
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her
5 -year-old son playing with his new electric train in
the living room. She heard the train stop and her son
saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get
the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And
all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get
your asses on the train...cause we're going down the
tracks. The horrified mother went in and told her son,
"We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now
I want you to go to your room and you are to stay
there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play
with your train...but I want you to use nice language.
"Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and
resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped
and the mother heard her son say... "All
passengers, please remember your things, thank you and
hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will
ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling
continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember,
there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will
have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For
those of you who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR
delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen...."
> Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and
> step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father
> John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to
> dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to
> the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns
> heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall
> and freezes like he's a statue.
> The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun
> suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a
> bar of soap.
> "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
> To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood...sure
> enough he drops the second bar of soap.
> Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice
> and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs,
> then yells! "Holy Mary, Mother of God...hand lotion too!"
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it
all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Nowthat I am in my forties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by
yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative, and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...