George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the
devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I
room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you
I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even
let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil
first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He
diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such
was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and
don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time
after time , after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying
the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in
eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally
"Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said.... "Monica, you're free to go!"
Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother
asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said Little Johnny.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a
chicken he goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the
pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my
cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a
week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway
across the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going
to tell him, or should I?"
Please excuse the rough language in the following story...
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "So how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama,"she replied, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."suddenly she burst out crying. "But,mama, as soon as we returned, Sam
started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4 letter words! You've got
to take me home...,
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so
embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME,
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother
these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
One Saturday morning a deer hunter gets up early, dresses quietly,
gets his lunch made, puts on his long john's, grabs his gun and goes
to the garage to warm up his truck and head down to his favorite
He backs his truck out of the garage and discovers the rain is really
pouring down. It is a torrential downpour. There is also some snow
mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 MPH. He comes
back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He
finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so minutes later he
puts his truck back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back
into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is
To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid-ass
husband is out hunting in that shit?"
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there
were several cabs -- I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,
"Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line
perfectly. "Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence.
He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and
discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was
standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard
to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch.
The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm
running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see... Yes, the man had over
fifty patches on his body! ...
10. - Afraid it will invalidate warranty.
9. - Leather and studs make it too hard to raise arm.
8. - Refuses to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for.
7. - Afraid to let go of the handlebars because they might vibrate off.
6. - Rushing wind would blow scabs off the new tattoos.
5. - Angry because just took out second mortgage to pay luxury tax on new Harley.
4. - Just discovered the fine print in owner's manual and realized H-D is partially owned by those rice-burner manufacturers.
3. - Can't tell if other riders are waving or just reaching to cover their ears like everyone else.
2. - Remembers the last time a Harley rider waved back, he impaled his hand on spiked helmet.
1. - They're jealous that after spending $20,000, they still don't own a Gold Wing.
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"
Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance
between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you
twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm
sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky,
Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had
collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope along
with this note:
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please
take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Top Ten Reasons Why Gold Wing Riders Don't Wave Back
10. - Wasn't sure whether other rider was waving or making an obscene gesture.
9. - Afraid might get frostbite if hand is removed from heated grip.
8. - Has arthritis and the past 400 miles have made it difficult to raise arm.
7. - Reflection from etched windshield momentarily blinded him.
6. - The expresso machine just finished.
5. - Was actually asleep when other rider waved.
4. - Was in a three-way conference call with stock broker and accessories dealer.
3. - Was distracted by odd shaped blip on radar screen.
2. - Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat temperature and satellite navigation system.
1. - Couldn't find the "auto wave back" button on the dashboard.
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
A couple has a dog who snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring!
The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's jewels. Amazingly, it also works on him. The woman sleeps soundly.
He wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or, what we did, but, by golly, we took first and second prize".
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors. Green, Red, Orange, Blue, and Yellow.
The old man just stared and stared. Every time the
young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."