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Have a laugh....
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Veröffentlicht am Wed, Mar 16, 2005 03:31

The first time Chad went to buy a package of condoms he was 16 or so. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that Chad was new at it. She handed him the package and asked if he knew how to wear one.

Chad honestly answered, "No."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned him to make sure it was on tight and secure. He apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty.

She said, "Just a minute." And walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking his hand, she led him into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"

Well, he was so dumb-struck that all he could do was nod his head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As he was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."

So he climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, he could no longer hold back and POW, he was done within a few minutes.

She looked at him with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"

He said, "I sure did." And held up his thumb to show her.



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Veröffentlicht am Tue, Mar 15, 2005 12:59

falcon335
ya got me hooked
ya gona finish it?



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Veröffentlicht am Tue, Mar 15, 2005 12:26

elihw i saw gbiylf nwod eht daor yadretsey (ylno 51hpm revo),i deciton a poc htiw a radar nug gnittis no pot fo a egdirb.yllarutan,eh dellup em revo, deklaw pu em no eht ekib dna deksa em, "s'tahw eht yrruh?" i deilper, "m'i etal rof krow.""ho haey,"dias eht poc."tahw od uoy". "m'i a mutcer rehcterts," i dednopser.eht poc dias,"?tahw..a mutcer rehcterts? "tahw seod a mutcer rehcterts od?"idias, "llew, i trats htiw eno regnif,neht i krow ym yaw pu ot owt sregnif, neht eerht,neht ruof,neht ym elohw dnah.neht i krow litnu i nac teg htob sdnah ni ereht, dna neht i ylwols hcterts ti litnu s'ti tuoba xis tf ediw." eht poc deksa em,"tahw eht lleh od uoy od htiw a xis tf ssa eloh?"i ylpmis deilper, "uoy evig mih a radar nug dna krap mih no pot fo a egdirb..."

  


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Veröffentlicht am Tue, Mar 15, 2005 12:06

well the "bastards" didn't post it-hummmm....

  


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Veröffentlicht am Tue, Mar 15, 2005 12:02

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however.

The rpm's on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop.

Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand; I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.

Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street.

I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at ...



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Veröffentlicht am Tue, Mar 15, 2005 12:01

Posted: Mar. 12 2004,13:59

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!

Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too.

Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being "behind the power curve". It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up.

Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle, at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine.

I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a car that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there!

Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness, all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time...



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Veröffentlicht am Tue, Mar 15, 2005 12:00

I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that "edge" so frequently required when riding.

Little did I suspect!!

As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it, it was that close.

I hate to run over animals and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.

Instantly he set upon me If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street and in the f...



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Veröffentlicht am Mon, Mar 14, 2005 13:06

I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!

Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too.

Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being "behind the power curve". It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up.

Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle, at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine.

I had been banging around the roads of east Colorado and as I headed back into Colorado Springs, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a car that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there!

Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness, all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway.

I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed th...



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Veröffentlicht am Wed, Mar 09, 2005 22:57

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

  


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Veröffentlicht am Wed, Mar 09, 2005 15:27

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a
couple of bottles of Budweiser.
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a
dadgum police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these
here beers!"
Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish
drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our
foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put
labels on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Howdy boys, ya'll
been drinkin'?"
"No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels... "Me and Bubba's
on the patch."



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Veröffentlicht am Wed, Mar 09, 2005 09:27

damnit, jl, you got me, i'm as lclc,a dumbass,got every freaken one wrong.....i hate when that happens...lol

i hate to lose, ya got another? come on? 2 out of 3?, or something?...

i will blame it on "NO COFFEE THIS MORNEN", thats my excuse and i'm sticken' to it...



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Veröffentlicht am Tue, Mar 08, 2005 21:10

jl
You just have confirmed what others have known for years Im stupid and ignorant. Made me laugh and laugh good, especially the last question,wich i got wrong,... I got all of them wrong!!!!

  


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Veröffentlicht am Mon, Mar 07, 2005 19:47

Below are four (4) questions. You have to answer them quickly. You can't take
your time, answer all of them immediately.

OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.

Ready?

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position
are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!

If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to mess up in the next question. To answer the second question, don't
take as much time as you took on the first question.

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again.
Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!

You're not very good at this are you?

Third Question:

Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper
and pencil or a calculator.

Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30..

add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.

What is the total? Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don't believe it? Check your calculator!

Today is definitely not your day.

Maybe you will get the last question right?

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2 Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.

What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary.

Read the Question again.



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Veröffentlicht am Mon, Mar 07, 2005 10:36

hahaha....rogue....



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Veröffentlicht am Mon, Mar 07, 2005 01:42

Priceless post LostBoys, just priceless. Priceless being the definition of what I can afford to pay for things after having just bought a house. I have been cashstrated !

  


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Veröffentlicht am Sun, Mar 06, 2005 16:28

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the
devil is waiting for him.


"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I
have no
room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you
what
I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as
you.

I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even
let YOU decide who leaves."


George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil
opened the
first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He
kept
diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such
was his fate in hell.


"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and
don't think I could do that all day long."


The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer
and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time
after time , after time.


"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if
all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying
naked on
the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in
spread
eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally
said,

"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said.... "Monica, you're free to go!"



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Veröffentlicht am Sat, Mar 05, 2005 16:09

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother
asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said Little Johnny.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a
chicken he goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the
pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my
cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a
week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting
any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway
across the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going
to tell him, or should I?"



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Veröffentlicht am Sat, Mar 05, 2005 05:02

Bad news, Michael Jackson was admitted into the hospital last week for phnuemonia.
Good news, it wasn't a childrens hospital.



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Veröffentlicht am Thu, Mar 03, 2005 08:40

~~ Bad Four Letter Words ~~

Please excuse the rough language in the following story...

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "So how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama,"she replied, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."suddenly she burst out crying. "But,mama, as soon as we returned, Sam
started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4 letter words! You've got
to take me home...,
PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so
embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME,
PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother
these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

  


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Veröffentlicht am Mon, Feb 28, 2005 17:17

The Washington Post's Style Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supplying a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the bunch:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both s...

  


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