Have a laugh.... Entertainment and Hobbies

  • View author's info posted on Jan 02, 2006 18:09


    sometimes it;s the only thing that works lol

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  • View author's info posted on Jan 02, 2006 17:56


    A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, ?Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.?

    The priest is silent for a moment, then says, ?Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.?

    ?And I?ll be forgiven?? asks the man.

    ?No,? replies the priest, ?but it will wipe that f ucking smirk off your face.?
  • View author's info posted on Dec 25, 2005 16:13


    well might not be funny to some but this had me rolling

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  • View author's info posted on Dec 22, 2005 16:44


    funny

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  • View author's info posted on Dec 20, 2005 07:01


    Living Will
    A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on a machine and fluids from a bottle. If this ever happens, just pull the plug."

    His wife got up, unplugged the T. V. and threw out all of his beer!
  • View author's info posted on Dec 19, 2005 19:07


    hope not everyone has heard this one before
    one sunny spring afternoon a man was sitting by mountain stream fishing a fly was buzzing over the creek ,a trout was watching the fly from under the water he thought if that fly drops 2 inches I will have him for lunch ,a bear on the other shore was watching the trout and thought if that fly drops 2 inches the trout will jump for it I will catch the trout and have my lunch.A mouse was looking at the sandwich in the mans pocket and thought if that fly drops 2 inches the trout will jump for it the man will be busy watching and I will grab the sandwich for my lunch. Also on the shore was a cat who thought if that fly drops 2 inches the trout will jump the man will watch it the mouse will go for the sandwich I will catch the mouse and have it for lunch just then the fly dropped 2 inches the trout lept from the water the bear jumped at the trout the mouse sprang for the sandwich but seeing the cat leaping at him ducked the cat missed the mouse and landed in the stream. So the moral of the story is when a fly drops 2 inches a p ussy is going to get wet.
  • View author's info posted on Dec 19, 2005 04:14


    blondeharleygirl write:
    LowRyder write:
    Just Say NO!

    A ten year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle, pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?"

    "No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking. The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says, "Hey kid,, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back"

    "NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

    The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride."

    At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so YOU ride it!!


    Great one Lowryder....LOL

    YA RIGHT!! LOL!
    What really happened is The Boy said:"You should have bought a YAMAHA!!

    Hehehe...
  • View author's info posted on Dec 19, 2005 04:12


    Hi Lowryder,
    Lobg time no talkie!!
    Merry X'mas and Happy New Year!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Walmart has announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item: Walmart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Walmart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine," said Kathy Micken, director of marketing. She continued, "But the right name is important." Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Walmart brand. The top surveyed names in popularity are:

    10. Chateau Traileur Parc

    9. White Trashfindel

    8. Big Red Gulp

    7. World Championship Riesling

    6. NASCARbernet

    5. Chef Boyardeaux

    4. Peanut Noir

    3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

    2. Grape Expectations

    And the number 1 name for Walmart Wine...

    1. Nasti Spumante

    The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum), or red meat (Squirrel).
  • View author's info posted on Dec 18, 2005 05:55


    Fridays Question

    There was a boy named Johnny.

    One day in school, his teacher announced that every Friday she would ask a question and whoever could answer it wouldn't have to come to school the following Monday.

    When Friday arrived, she asked, "How many trees are there in the world?"

    No one knew, so everyone had to come back to school on Monday.

    The next Friday she asked, "How many blades of grass are on the school lawn?"

    No one knew, everyone had to come back to school.

    Friday after Friday, the teacher would ask these impossible-to-answer questions, and Johnny was getting very tired of those questions that no human could answer, and of going to school on Monday.

    So on Thursday night, when he got home, he spray-painted 2 ping pong balls black.

    On Friday, just before the teacher asked Friday's Question, Johnny threw them up on her desk.

    She picked them up and asked angrily, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

    Johnny replied, "Bill Cosby. See ya! on Tuesday, Teach!"
  • View author's info posted on Dec 17, 2005 19:38


    How come when you mix water and flour together, you get glue?
    and then when you add eggs and sugar, you get cake?
    Where did the glue go?
    You know darn well where it went!
    That's what makes the cake stick to your Buttox!
  • View author's info posted on Dec 16, 2005 12:08


    A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture of the
    > supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here
    > believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a
    > good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think
    > you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's
    > really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever
    > talked to a ghost?"
    > About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
    > 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one
    > question further.....
    >
    > Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises
    > his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years
    > I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to
    > a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
    >
    > The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his
    >
    > way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor
    > asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have s ex with a ghost?"
    > Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."
  • View author's info posted on Dec 16, 2005 10:49


    Subject: Embarassing moments
    I been looking for a place to put jokes ;)

    Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
    words back or that you could crawl into a hole?

    Here are the testimonials of a few people who did...

    * I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
    asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a b low job?" I
    turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't
    say a word.

    He knew better.




    *I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
    unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
    several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen
    who works at the store He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I
    looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."


    *My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
    variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
    boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
    just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically,
    >the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day,
    my sister has never let me forget.


    *While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
    some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her
    after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I
    told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
    punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
    just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell
    Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence
    was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped
    what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
    out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the
    door closed behind me were screams of laughter!!


    *Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
    three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was
    on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
    between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
    enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
    seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny
    had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go,
    and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an
    accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny,
    are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW
    that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
    Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This
    time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his
    cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST F ARTS!!" While 30 people nearly
    choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants
    and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the
    best laugh they'd ever had!


    *This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
    embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
    before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
    A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was
    supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
    "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did
    HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!
  • View author's info posted on Dec 16, 2005 09:38


    Subject: FW: Cyanide
    >
    > A lady walks up to a pharmacist and asked to buy a bottle of cyanide.
    >
    > The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
    >
    > The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
    >
    > The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy--I can't
    > give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law. I'll
    > lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad

    > things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
    >
    > The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
    > husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at
    > the picture and replied, "Well, now, you didn't tell me you had a
    > prescription
    >
  • View author's info posted on Dec 16, 2005 09:29


    angelrider800 write:
    I got a couple here...sent to me by a former BK'er...

    LITTLE Michael ON MATH

    A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little Michael.

    He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

    The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

    Then little Michael says, "I have a question for YOU."

    "There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately liccking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and succking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"

    The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and succked the cone."

    To which Little Michael replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."


    LITTLE Michael ON MATH

    Little Michael returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

    "Why?" asks the father ?

    "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies Michael.

    "But that's right !" says his dad.

    "Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"

    "What's the damn difference ?" asks the father.

    "That's what I said !"



    LITTLE Michael ON ENGLISH

    Little Michael goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word ?"

    Michael says, "Mas-tur-bate."

    Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Michael, that's a mouthful."

    Little Michael says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."



    LITTLE Michael ON GRAMMAR


    Little Michael was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a pizz !!"

    The teacher replied, 'Now, Michael, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

    Little Michael, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger t!ts, you'd be a TEN !"



    LITTLE Michael ON GRAMMAR


    One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

    First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

    "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Bobby.

    "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

    She said, "Excellent, Bobby !" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Michael.

    "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just damn beautiful !'"




    LITTLE Michael ON GETTING OLDER

    Little Michael was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

    After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

    Little Michael replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

    The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?"

    Little Michael answered, "No, he minded his own damn business."

    Of course ya know that lil Michael was really lil G!!!

    heh heh heh heh
  • View author's info posted on Dec 16, 2005 08:24


    Contrary to popular opinion, duct tape IS NOT good for fixing everything!


    Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Pa ul slumped over the bar. He
    walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
    "Well," replies Paul, "You know that
    beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every
    time I saw her?"
    "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
    "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
    "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
    "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd
    get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
    "Sensible" says Jeff.

    "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered
    it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."

    "And what happened then?" asks Jeff.

    "I kicked her in the face."
  • View author's info posted on Dec 14, 2005 16:02


    I got a couple here...sent to me by a former BK'er...

    LITTLE Michael ON MATH

    A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little Michael.

    He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

    The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

    Then little Michael says, "I have a question for YOU."

    "There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately liccking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and succking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"

    The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and succked the cone."

    To which Little Michael replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."


    LITTLE Michael ON MATH

    Little Michael returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

    "Why?" asks the father ?

    "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies Michael.

    "But that's right !" says his dad.

    "Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"

    "What's the damn difference ?" asks the father.

    "That's what I said !"



    LITTLE Michael ON ENGLISH

    Little Michael goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word ?"

    Michael says, "Mas-tur-bate."

    Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Michael, that's a mouthful."

    Little Michael says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."



    LITTLE Michael ON GRAMMAR


    Little Michael was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a pizz !!"

    The teacher replied, 'Now, Michael, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

    Little Michael, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger t!ts, you'd be a TEN !"



    LITTLE Michael ON GRAMMAR


    One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

    First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

    "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Bobby.

    "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

    She said, "Excellent, Bobby !" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Michael.

    "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just damn beautiful !'"




    LITTLE Michael ON GETTING OLDER

    Little Michael was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

    After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

    Little Michael replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

    The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?"

    Little Michael answered, "No, he minded his own damn business."
  • View author's info posted on Dec 14, 2005 06:31


    Good one Thigh...
    Here's one:

    This gal meets a guy and they start to talk. She feels he is a very nice man. His confidence and manliness arouse her passion.

    He feels much the same way and they end up going to his place. Once there, she finds this hunk of a man has a well kept apartment and seems very secure with his masculinity.

    He even has a teddy bear collection in his room and shows it to her. Large shelves along one wall filled with stuffed bears. All sizes, the small ones across the bottom, medium size in the middle and the largest most beautiful teddy bears along the top shelf.

    She feels like she may have met the man she would like to spend the rest of her life with. He is a man, but has no problem doing something that would be considered less than masculine by others, collect stuffed animals.

    They linger a while and inevitably, they make love. The woman thought this to be one of the greatest se xual experiences she has ever had.

    As they bask in the afterglow, she asks him,"How was it?"

    The man tells her that she can have her choice of any teddy bear from the bottom row.


    ROFLMFAO
  • View author's info posted on Dec 14, 2005 04:45


    A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he
    realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a
    gift. So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he
    sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.

    The girl responds: "Which one? We have:

    Gymnasium Barbie:$19.95

    Volleyball Barbie: $19.95

    Shopping Barbie: $19.95

    Surfer Barbie: $19.95

    Disco Barbie: $19.95

    and Divorced Barbie: $299.99

    Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $299.95 when all

    the other Barbies are $19.95?" Exasperated, the girl responds:
    "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:

    Ken's Motorcycle

    Ken's Car

    Ken's House

    Ken's Boat

    Ken's furniture

    Ken's jewelery

    Ken's money

    Ken's computer, and

    Ken's best friend...
  • View author's info posted on Dec 12, 2005 19:36


    This little wimp of a guy walks into a public restroom to take a leak. He sees a guy in there that is so tall, he couldn't stop staring.

    The man looked at the little guy and says to him," 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 16 inches, and my ba lls are 3 pounds each, Turner Brown."

    The little guy stared for a brief second or two, then fell over and fainted. The big man revived him and when he came to, he asked the big man, "what did you say to me?"

    The big man replied, "well, I told you I was 7 feet tall and weighed 350 pounds. Then I said my private was 16 inches long and each of my testi cles weighed 3 pounds and that my name is Turner Brown. What happened?"

    The little guy, breathing a sigh of relief looked up at the big guy and said, "Whew, I thought you said all that and then said Turn Around"
  • View author's info posted on Dec 12, 2005 13:00


    TO BE 6 AGAIN
    > >>
    > >>A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife
    turning
    > >>back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her
    birthday
    > >>was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
    "I'd
    > >>like to be six again" she replied looking in the mirror.
    > >>
    > >>On the morning of her Birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big
    bowl
    > >>of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park, What a
    day!
    > >>He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of
    Fear,
    > >>the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
    > >>
    > >>Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head
    was
    > >>reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a
    > >>McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and
    a
    > >>chocolate shake.
    > >>
    > >>Then it was off to a movie, popcorn and a soda pop, and her
    > >>favorite
    > >>candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home
    with
    > >>her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
    > >>
    > >>He leaned over to his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
    "Well
    > >>Dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly
    opened and her
    > >>expression suddenly changed.
    > >>
    > >>"I meant my dress size, you dumb a$$!!"
    > >>
    > >>The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going
    to
    > >>get it wrong!
    > >>
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