A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on
the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife,
"Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they
have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't
be long I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took
out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...
"LISTEN UP, D*CKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F*CKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN
FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERF*CKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING
ANYWHERE! GOT IT, AS*HOLE?"
A cowgirl walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
She sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When she finishes them,
she comes back to the bar
and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters.
One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin.
When we all left our home we promised that
we'd drink this way to remember the days
when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters
and one for myself."
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar,
and always drinks the same way.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs.
A ll the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When she comes back to the bar for the second round,
the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment,
then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine,"
she explains, "It's just that my husband and I
joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it
all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Nowthat I am in my forties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by
yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative, and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...
hey thighsyn i like your look have you ever been to australia we have good rides good weather cold beer and beaches all around the country.must have something to do with bieng a contenant nice bike nice face talk to you
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway. His wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out
with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually we had it Saturday night, this
is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning." We had
a about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the partyin' and it got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, " How do you play that?"
Bob continues between the hung-over gasps, "Well all the guys go in the bedroom
and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units"
showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn I am sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did" Bob responds," your name was guessed four or five times."
My favorite desert? IceCream filled with fresh fruit.
I usually do break the speed limit anyway. As for test the boundries, well I like that idea, but seems I did that here and the Rev of BK pissed on the fire. Please keep in mind this paticular forum is for Jokes only. Don't go outside that boundry, we'll get shitty notes or name calling back...
I knew Raggedy was freak!
Q.What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 US leader
Q: What did the sign on the door of the
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were all talking one
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful
girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have
their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously
It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the
smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply asked
"Who the f**k is Camilla Parker Bowles?"