Biker Forums > Entertainment and Hobbies > Have a laugh.... Previous topic Next topic
Jump to:
Have a laugh....
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Wed, Mar 16, 2005 15:03

OMGoodness Lady Bug...you made me work for that one..lol



Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Wed, Mar 16, 2005 13:54

i do apologize for that below, i thought i could get one over on these chinky bastards that run this site, but, MY BAD...the bastards posted in another location....LMAO..i would tell you where, but, i forgot the name, go figure, and yes i will smoke another, thank you....

  


Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Wed, Mar 16, 2005 12:45

~~ Happy St. Patricks Day! ~~

**************************************************
Any Last Words?

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'

**************************************************
The Leprechaun
A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, and she said yes.
When he went to wipe his fanny, there was no toilet paper, so he used his hand. In his haste to get back to class he forgot to wash, so he made a closed fist to hide it.

When he got back to class, his teacher asked, 'What do you have in your hand?'

The boy said, 'A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away.'

He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him, what do you have in your hand?' So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away.'

He was then sent home and his Mom asked him, 'What do you have in your hand?

So again the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he will get scared away.'

His Mom got really mad and yelled, 'Open your hand NOW!'

The little boy opened his hand and said, 'Oh great Mom, now look what you did, you scared the shit out of him!'

  


Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Wed, Mar 16, 2005 08:14

Hate this 2000 character limit. Can't even keep track of what I pasted already. So I also added the missing middle piece. Geesh. Thanks for being patient.



Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Wed, Mar 16, 2005 08:13

I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser.

So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to let the professionals handle it anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger.

That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car!!

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood.

As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death... I'll take my chances with the freeway. Every time.

And I'll buy myself a new pair of gloves.



Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Wed, Mar 16, 2005 08:13

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a

t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing.

I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.

That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel.

This was an evil attack squirrel of death!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!

The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him.

I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.

The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in, well, I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating ...



Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Wed, Mar 16, 2005 03:31

The first time Chad went to buy a package of condoms he was 16 or so. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that Chad was new at it. She handed him the package and asked if he knew how to wear one.

Chad honestly answered, "No."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned him to make sure it was on tight and secure. He apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty.

She said, "Just a minute." And walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking his hand, she led him into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"

Well, he was so dumb-struck that all he could do was nod his head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As he was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."

So he climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, he could no longer hold back and POW, he was done within a few minutes.

She looked at him with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"

He said, "I sure did." And held up his thumb to show her.



Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Tue, Mar 15, 2005 12:59

falcon335
ya got me hooked
ya gona finish it?



Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Tue, Mar 15, 2005 12:26

elihw i saw gbiylf nwod eht daor yadretsey (ylno 51hpm revo),i deciton a poc htiw a radar nug gnittis no pot fo a egdirb.yllarutan,eh dellup em revo, deklaw pu em no eht ekib dna deksa em, "s'tahw eht yrruh?" i deilper, "m'i etal rof krow.""ho haey,"dias eht poc."tahw od uoy". "m'i a mutcer rehcterts," i dednopser.eht poc dias,"?tahw..a mutcer rehcterts? "tahw seod a mutcer rehcterts od?"idias, "llew, i trats htiw eno regnif,neht i krow ym yaw pu ot owt sregnif, neht eerht,neht ruof,neht ym elohw dnah.neht i krow litnu i nac teg htob sdnah ni ereht, dna neht i ylwols hcterts ti litnu s'ti tuoba xis tf ediw." eht poc deksa em,"tahw eht lleh od uoy od htiw a xis tf ssa eloh?"i ylpmis deilper, "uoy evig mih a radar nug dna krap mih no pot fo a egdirb..."

  


Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Tue, Mar 15, 2005 12:06

well the "bastards" didn't post it-hummmm....

  


Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Tue, Mar 15, 2005 12:02

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however.

The rpm's on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop.

Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand; I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.

Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street.

I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at ...



Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Tue, Mar 15, 2005 12:01

Posted: Mar. 12 2004,13:59

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!

Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too.

Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being "behind the power curve". It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up.

Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle, at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine.

I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a car that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there!

Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness, all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time...



Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Tue, Mar 15, 2005 12:00

I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that "edge" so frequently required when riding.

Little did I suspect!!

As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it, it was that close.

I hate to run over animals and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.

Instantly he set upon me If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street and in the f...



Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Mon, Mar 14, 2005 13:06

I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!

Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too.

Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being "behind the power curve". It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up.

Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle, at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine.

I had been banging around the roads of east Colorado and as I headed back into Colorado Springs, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a car that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there!

Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness, all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway.

I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed th...



Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Wed, Mar 09, 2005 22:57

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

  


Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Wed, Mar 09, 2005 15:27

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a
couple of bottles of Budweiser.
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a
dadgum police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these
here beers!"
Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish
drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our
foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put
labels on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Howdy boys, ya'll
been drinkin'?"
"No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels... "Me and Bubba's
on the patch."



Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Wed, Mar 09, 2005 09:27

damnit, jl, you got me, i'm as lclc,a dumbass,got every freaken one wrong.....i hate when that happens...lol

i hate to lose, ya got another? come on? 2 out of 3?, or something?...

i will blame it on "NO COFFEE THIS MORNEN", thats my excuse and i'm sticken' to it...



Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Tue, Mar 08, 2005 21:10

jl
You just have confirmed what others have known for years Im stupid and ignorant. Made me laugh and laugh good, especially the last question,wich i got wrong,... I got all of them wrong!!!!

  


Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Mon, Mar 07, 2005 10:36

hahaha....rogue....



Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Mon, Mar 07, 2005 01:42

Priceless post LostBoys, just priceless. Priceless being the definition of what I can afford to pay for things after having just bought a house. I have been cashstrated !

  


Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share